How Do You Dooley?

I’d never heard of Mr. Dooley, “a fictional Irish immigrant bartender created by American journalist Finley Peter Dunne,” before but ‘he’ was the subject of the wikipedia article of the day, so I clicked. I’m glad I did.

Apparently Dooley didn’t much care for the late-Gilded Age plutocrats who reigned during the Cleveland administration:

Commerce from the Columbian Exposition had helped shield Chicago from the gloom of the economic Panic of 1893, which enveloped much of the rest of the nation, but after the exposition closed, the winter of 1893–94 saw much unemployment, suffering and starvation. As Irish immigrants were disproportionately employed as laborers, and had less education than other ethnic groups, Bridgeport was hit especially hard by the depression, and this was reflected in the columns. Dunne’s anger especially focused on George Pullman, whose wage cuts for his workers (while not cutting the rents of their houses, which his company owned) helped provoke the Pullman Strike of 1894.[28][29] In his column of August 25, Dunne wrote,

Mr. Dooley swabbed the bar in a melancholy manner and turned again with the remark, “But what’s it all to Pullman? When God quarried his heart a happy man was made. He cares no more for them little matters of life or death than I do for O’Connor’s [bar] tab. ‘The women and children are dying of hunger,’ they say, ‘will you not put out your hand to help them?,’ they say. ‘Ah, what the hell,’ says George. ‘What the hell’, he says. ‘James,’ he says, ‘a bottle of champagne and a piece of cranberry pie. What the hell, what the hell, what the hell’.”

“I heard two died yesterday,” said Mr. McKenna. “Two women.”

“Poor things, poor things. But,” said Mr. Dooley, once more swabbing the bar, “what the hell.”[a]

Dunne brought this column into the Post’s composing room to be set in type. When he returned later to check the proof, the typesetters began to drum their sticks on their cases, and then burst into lengthy applause, an experience Dunne described as the most moving of his life.”[30]

This is also good:

Although [Dooley] applauded….acts of individual charity, Dunne through Dooley denigrated charitable organizations, wondering that “a man can square himself with his conscience by giving one thousand dollars to a policeman and telling him to distribute it! Why don’t they get the poor up in a cage in Lincoln Park and hand them food on the end of a window pole, if they’re afraid they’ll bite[?]”

Plus ca change, plus c’est la meme chose. Or, All This Has Happened Before; All This Will Happen Again. The problems, critiques, solutions, and fake solutions (eg, charity is bullshit) of their Gilded Age are the same as those of our own. But I’d rather not wait another thirty to forty years for a new New Deal. To countermand a phrase from the monster who hijacked it: faster, please.